My First Chinese Wedding

“If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay at home.” — James Michener
 

This week Nicole and I were invited to attend the wedding of our friend, Leaves.  We said we’d be there and we were totally psyched to go, but as the day drew near Leaves seemed to be getting more and more apprehensive that we wouldn’t show up.  She kept calling and emailing us to remind us of the time and date and we had to assure her over and over that we would definitely be there.  I started to get a feeling that there might be more to our invitation than we understood.  For some Chinese people, associating with foreigners is a status thing.  I had a suspicion that Leaves was eager to show off her foreign friends and had promised several people that we would attend.

So the day of the wedding, we took a taxi out to the reception site.  We thought that we were going to the wedding but when we arrived at the address Leaves had sent us we found ourselves at an apartment complex.  We wandered around uncertainly until a little old woman spotted us and started yelling at us in Chinese, shooing us into one of the buildings. (I assumed that she was a family member that had been sent to get us, but in hindsight it probably wasn’t a good idea to follow a strange Chinese woman into an apartment…that’s how every good human trafficking story starts, right?)

Once inside we found Leaves and her entire family bustling about preparing for the party.  Leaves was the only one willing to speak English to us but everyone was excited that we were there. 

The family had laid out these things in the dining room.  I wasn't sure if these were things that had been laid out symbolically, to bring good fortune to the couple or something...or if it was actually going to be consumed.  I told Nicole, "Those chickens haven't even been plucked yet.  We might be here for awhile."  Incidentally, that rooster and hen in the bowl are totally alive.  Just hanging out in a bowl in the dining room.  Every once and awhile someone would walk by them and the chickens would start squawking and startle them.

 So these giant fish in the bowl are completely alive.  They lay on that table forever, gasping for air with little strips of red paper covering their eyes.  They looked like they were giving each other mouth to mouth.  It was creepy. 

 While we waited for Leaves to finish getting ready her family ushered us into the living room to drink tea and watch Chinese TV.  Above the couch there was a giant engagement portrait of Leaves and her husband, Kevin.  Outrageous couples' photos are pretty typical in China. This one isn't too bad if you ignore the over-the-top red ball gown and the sexy stares.

Apparently it's very common for Chinese weddings to be pretty casual.  Usually the bride and groom get dressed up and maybe a few members of the wedding party, but everyone else is in jeans.  After awhile Leaves announced that her family would take us to the party.  So we followed them on a short walk down the street and into the reception.  The guests were all at their seats and already eating when we came in.  It only took me a minute to realize that we weren't just entering with the family, we were part of the procession!  This had been planned!  We were being paraded through the room and everyone there stopped what they were doing as we came down the aisle! Cameras came out, people were standing up and craning their necks to get a good look at us, it was seriously like celebrities had just entered the room.    

Have you ever walked into a room and had 250 Chinese people stop what they’re doing and stare at you? Because I have.  And it’s awesome.

We were creating such a circus that nobody even noticed when Leaves and Kevin came in.  While people were busy coming over to the foreigners and talking AT us in Chinese or taking our pictures, the couple kind of snuck in on the side of the room. It didn't seem fair to steal their attention, but it also seemed like Leaves had set it up this way.  We were like the pre-show entertainment for the guests.

In the midst of all of the blue jeans and down parkas, Leaves appeared dressed like a 1980's Barbie Princess.  She was completely covered in sparkles and tulle, one of three ensembles that she would wear throughout the day.  (I was a little jealous that she could wear this many frills and still be considered legit.  It's  a little tacky and garish by Western standards but I would totally wear just as much glitter if I could get away with it.)

After we had processed through the party, the family ushered us over to a big table at the front of the room.  We sat there by ourselves, which I thought was weird, until Leaves entered with the wedding party and I realized that we had been seated at THE HEAD TABLE!!!  No joke.  I was absolutely shocked when Leaves came over and sat down next to us.  The next hour became endless parade of people coming over to the table to meet us and adorable Leaves happily translating.  I just couldn't believe this was happening, it was HER wedding day and she was spending all of her time fussing over her foreign friends.
 
There was a lengthy stint where the camera man came over to film us eating with chopsticks (everyone was impressed that we knew how to use them.)  One of my favorite moments was when a mother came over and shoved her baby into my arms.  Then when the baby started crying the mother laughed and took the baby back saying that he must be afraid of my foreign eyes.  Yup, she really said that.   

Leaves and Nicole, obviously BFFs

 There was an insane amount of food on the tables, they just kept bring more and stacking the plates up on top of each other.  Leaves kept telling us to be sure to not eat anything using our hands.  Apparently that's something Westerners do and she was worried that we might do it and be embarrassed in front of the Chinese.  I don't know.
The woman in the center of this photo is Leaves' roommate/maid of honor.  The man on the right is another honored guest, Leaves' favorite teacher from middle and secondary school.  On the left you can see Kevin doing what all modern Chinese men do during important life events...talking on his cell phone.  Typical. 

At the table, Leaves kept reaching under her dress, pretty conspicuously I might add, adjusting things.  Nicole and I were a little horrified that she kept rooting around under her skirt until finally she started pulling hot pads out from underneath.  The Chinese are inherently afraid of the cold and she had stuffed a bunch of these little warming pouches under her wedding dress somewhere to keep herself warm.  She pulled one out and wanted to give it to us to keep our hands warm…but we declined.

Later there was a lot of inexplicable fussing about Leaves’ dress.  Her friends produced a hoop that looked like it was supposed to attach under the dress but no one knew how it worked.  Right there on the dance floor, in front of all the guests, they started hiking the dress up and doing god knows what.

Nicole with the lovely pink decorative tapestries and silk flowers.  How romantic!

Dragon and phoenix archway with the couples' names on it.

Purposeless pink canopy and fabulous disco lights.  Ah, Chinese decorating.

First, let me explain that it is impossible to compare what I have seen of Chinese weddings to what we do in the West.  Impossible, half of it just simple doesn’t make sense when being viewed through the eyes of a foreigner.  My understanding is that in modern Chinese weddings there really aren’t any rules or concrete traditions.  It’s basically a mish-mosh of whatever the couple has seen in Western movies and whatever random crap that they decide to do.  (My friend James was the best man in a Chinese wedding and the couple chose to have the wedding ring delivered by a remote control helicopter.  His job was to grab the helicopter and pull the ring out and give it to the groom.)  

He had warned me that if we were the only foreigners there we might have to make a speech.  As soon as I realized what a big deal it was for us to be at this wedding I started preparing

 

Then, towards the end of the meal this conversation happened:

Best Man: You stay and participate in the activities?

Me: Sure, we'll participate in the activities.  (My response was translated and then everyone at the table started getting super excited and chattering away.)

Me: Wait...what activities?  Like...dancing?

Best Man: Yes! Chicken dance and Gangnam Style!

Me:  Haha, ok sure I'll do that!  Chicken dance...you mean, like, THE Chicken Dance (I flap my arms a bit like a chicken, which elicits enthusiastic nods and more excited chatter.)  Ok, sure! 

As soon as people finish eating they start leaving and Leaves gets up to go change into outfit number two and to shoot her "wedding video" which is basically a 1-2 hour video of her and Kevin doing ridiculous romantic things like holding hands and running, or carrying her piggyback up three flights of stairs.

The moment that she left, the Best Man grabbed Nicole and I and insisted that we needed to begin practicing for "the activities".  So he took us off to a corner of the room and began instructing us in the chicken/gangnam style dance.  As soon as we started I realized that, it didn't have predetermined moves, this was a dance that he was choreographing on the spot to a weird Chinese techno song with chickens squawking to the beat.   I started adding moves to the dance and pretty soon Nicole and I were practicing up on stage with family members laughing at us...as well as taking lots of photos and videos.

BM: You are foreign! This is great!  

Me:  Haha, because I'm dancing like a chicken?

BM: What I mean is, you are from foreign land and this is great!

Me: Yes, I understand. 

        So...who else will be doing this dance with us?

BM:  Hahaha we will dance together!

Me:  But who else will be dancing besides Nicole and I?

BM:  Hahaha you will dance!

Me: Yes, but who is dancing besides us? What is the NUMBER of people that will be dancing on that stage?

BM: (He gives me the thoughtful Chinese look that I now understand to mean, 'I'm avoiding telling you the truth') Maybe four.

Me:  What?! We'll be half of the people dancing?  Where are these people? Who are they?

BM:  They will be here.

Me:  Tell me the truth.  There are no other people are there.

BM: Maybe only you.  But it will be great!

Me:  Sheesh.  Ok, let's practice.

Now I realize that we were definitely being put on display like a couple of zoo animals for the purpose of entertaining a roomful of Chinese people.  But I didn't really care and, honestly, the idea of going to a Chinese wedding and being talked into a gangnam style/chicken dance was just far too preposterous of a scenario to not totally embrace.  Plus, Nicole and I were having a lot of fun.  

Here are some pictures of us with the Best Man/Our Choreographer:  

 

 In the end, Leaves was really ecstatic that we could be a part of her wedding, we made some new friends and we had a really great time.  I hope this post doesn't seem to critical of the event, most of the things that I saw seemed silly to me because it made little sense from my perspective.  From what I could see things seemed a bit odd and sort of haphazardly put together, but I'm not Chinese.  Everything went according to Leaves' plan and she was happy, so that's what matters. 
I think that there are a lot of people here that have a very narrow view of foreigners, sometimes I feel more like a commodity than a friend.  And I definitely felt a little bit like a puppet being pranced out for display.   But, on the other hand I had yet another crazy, fantastic, experience and everyone at that wedding took extremely good care of us the entire time.  Leaves even designated one of her friends to stay with us during the whole wedding and translate whenever she couldn't be there.  This friend also spent a lot of time getting a return taxi for us and making sure we could get safely home. 
There are so many things I have to learn about China. But I'm here! And I'm exploring things! And I'm still having a terrific time.
And maybe that's one of the things I like most about being here, I have all these interpersonal skills and it's still impossible to figure these people out. It's both a fantastic challenge and an exciting adventure!